Welcome to Toastmasters Southern Africa
Conflict resolution
When it comes to conflict the big thing is … Don’t Avoid Conflict. Many people don’t say anything until they’re ready to explode. They often end up blurting out their anger in a hurtful way, instead of discussing their issues in a calm and respectful manner. Some complain to everyone who will listen, except the relevant party. Have you heard people complaining about service after they have left the restaurant, instead of speaking calmly to the manager about their issues? This avoidance of discussion of frustrations, with the people who can actually do something about it, leads to increased conflict over time and inappropriate outbursts.
Avoiding an argument altogether may seem like a less stressful route, but usually ends up causing more stress as tensions rise, resentment festers, and inappropriate outbursts result. The healthy path is to address and resolve conflict with the person involved in a respectful manner. Conflict handled well can be an opportunity to build relationships, if handled poorly can quickly lead to their demise.
Beware the The 4 Relationship poisons discovered in John Gottman’s 30 years of relationship research: stonewalling; defensiveness; criticism and (the most dangerous) contempt.
See conflict as an Opportunity to grow your relationships.
Clarify what you mean … don’t assume people know what you mean. We all have different understandings of words and concepts based on our unique experiences.
Remember to use Toastmasters style feedback (3-2-1). Balanced feedback acknowledges what the person has done right and suggests possible areas for improvement, as well as demonstrates these suggestions. The purpose of feedback is to motivate the recipient to improve and to continue to do positive behaviours and actions that work. Feedback enables the recipient to speak/act more effectively at the next opportunity. Communicating with support and motivation in mind, a ratio of 5 positive -1 improvement suggestion, says Gottman, makes “deposits” into the listener’s “emotional bank account”. Criticism and contempt are the relationship poisons that sound the death knell of a relationship. Balancing limited specific suggestions of what to improve (and how), with specific feedback on what has a positive impact makes the suggestions easier to hear.
Richard Riche, DTM, TLI Div H coordinator
Avoiding an argument altogether may seem like a less stressful route, but usually ends up causing more stress as tensions rise, resentment festers, and inappropriate outbursts result. The healthy path is to address and resolve conflict with the person involved in a respectful manner. Conflict handled well can be an opportunity to build relationships, if handled poorly can quickly lead to their demise.
Beware the The 4 Relationship poisons discovered in John Gottman’s 30 years of relationship research: stonewalling; defensiveness; criticism and (the most dangerous) contempt.
See conflict as an Opportunity to grow your relationships.
Clarify what you mean … don’t assume people know what you mean. We all have different understandings of words and concepts based on our unique experiences.
Remember to use Toastmasters style feedback (3-2-1). Balanced feedback acknowledges what the person has done right and suggests possible areas for improvement, as well as demonstrates these suggestions. The purpose of feedback is to motivate the recipient to improve and to continue to do positive behaviours and actions that work. Feedback enables the recipient to speak/act more effectively at the next opportunity. Communicating with support and motivation in mind, a ratio of 5 positive -1 improvement suggestion, says Gottman, makes “deposits” into the listener’s “emotional bank account”. Criticism and contempt are the relationship poisons that sound the death knell of a relationship. Balancing limited specific suggestions of what to improve (and how), with specific feedback on what has a positive impact makes the suggestions easier to hear.
Richard Riche, DTM, TLI Div H coordinator